she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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