I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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