Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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