you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
