i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
