If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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