Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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