Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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