Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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