I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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