If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
