Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
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Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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