my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
