There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
