i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
