The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he puts the penis in happiness.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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