what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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