I'm eating all of the evidence.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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