Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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