Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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