At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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