um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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