I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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