he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
