im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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