He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
