I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
