I could have mohawked her pubes.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
