dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
