Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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