i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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