come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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