My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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