If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
