I'm really into asian looking animals
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
