So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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