it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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