i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
