; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
