Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
