Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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