Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
