There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
