I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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