Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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