Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
