He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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