bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
