Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
