ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
