About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
