I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
