Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
