everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
