the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
