im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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