I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
