Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
