I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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